The Grand Prize Giveaway Thing
by Andrew David

Jill opened the door.

A smug little man with too broad a smile stood twitching on her porch. He said, “Hi!…”

“Hello?” Jill said.

“I'm…uh... Jack Benton! With the GRAND PRIZE… er... Giveaway… thing. ORGANIZATION! And this is… um. This is… This” he gestured toward the glowering black man beside him, “is my colleague… Misterrrr... ...oh, I dunno; how ’bout... uh... Schneider Schnicklemuff! Haha!”

Schnicklemuff shot an angry glance at Benton.

“Oh,” said Jill.

“And we're here,” said Benton, “because this is your LUCKY day! You, lady, are the winner of the Grand Prize! Giveaway! Thing.”

“Won't you please come in,” Jill said.

Jack rubbed his hands together and barged toward the sofa. His associate paused, peered over his shoulder, and crept in.

“Can I get you some coffee?” asked Jill. “Mr. Benton — how do you take it?”

“Bennett. Yes, thank you,” Jack said. “Two creams; no sugar.”

“Mr. Schnicklemuff?” asked Jill. “Haha,” laughed Bennett.

“Black,” Schnicklemuff said.

Jill left for the kitchen.

“I love doing this!” Jack whispered. “Haha,” he pointed, “Schnicklepuss!”

“Schnicklemuff,” the man growled. “I oughta break your chicken neck.”

Jill returned with a large shovel and beat Jack Bennett to death. She raped Schnicklemuff with the handle. “Grand Prize Giveaway Thing?!” she shouted incredulously, “HERE'S your Grand Prize Giveaway Thing!” Schnicklemuff screamed pantless from Jill's home, whereupon he was instantly arrested for indecent exposure and the beating death of Jack Bennetton.

Two weeks later, Jill received ten thousand dollars by mail from the Grand Prize Giveaway Thing Organization.